Say Your Name

Today’s WordPress prompt is Say Your Name and the guidance given is: “Write about your first name: Are you named after someone or something? Are there any stories or associations attached to it? If you had the choice, would you rename yourself?”

This sounded very familiar, so I did a little checking and found that I had posted to an almost identical prompt on 1 June 2013. On the assumption that most of my followers weren’t here all those years ago and won’t therefore have read that post I decided to rework it for today’s prompt. Well, if WordPress can recycle their prompt why can’t I recycle my post? 🙂

Me. Apparently.
Me. Apparently.
As you’ve probably noticed my name is Clive, which according to every source I can find means ‘cliff’ or ‘slope’  and is usually believed to refer to someone who lived near one of these. The name is of English origin, and was first found around the 11th century. I feel old already! It is apparently quite uncommon as a first name, but is more in use as a surname.  The most famous example of this is probably General Sir Robert Clive – or ‘Clive of India’ as he is more widely known. I’ve always understood that my parents chose the name as it couldn’t be abbreviated – an approach they seem to have abandoned by the time my duo-syllabic sister came along. However, I was born in Dover, which has a few White Cliffs nearby, so maybe they knew something?

I also found that there is or was a parliamentary electorate called Clive in the Hawke’s Bay Region of New Zealand. I would imagine that this is more likely to be something to do with the General than me though. And something I never even thought possible: I’m an acronym! Yes, CLIVE stands for Computer-aided Learning IVeterinary Education. So, after all this time, I finally have proof that I really am the mutt’s nuts!

My surname?
My surname?
My parents’ plan met with debatable success. Whilst I was always ‘Clive’ at home, apart from the times when I was ‘Clive Howard Pilcher!!!!’ – usually a signal to make myself scarce – no one at school ever managed to shorten my name. They simply didn’t use it at all! I answered most to ‘Chip,’ which of course came from my initials (see above) and also to Pilch – if they couldn’t abbreviate my first name, why not go for the surname instead? And thanks to a major TV advertising campaign of the 60s and 70s I was also known as ‘Glen.’ The clue is in the picture! You may have spotted that I’m attached to ‘Chip,’ which has also been a pet name for me for a number of people, not just in my schooldays. I keep it to this day as part of some of my various online incarnations.

Would I change my name? For what is probably an old-fashioned reason, i.e. that it is what my parents chose for me and I feel it would be disrespectful to them to change it, No I wouldn’t. Anyway, I’ve had 62+ years with it and I quite like it. It feels a little special to me, particularly as I rarely come across another with the same name. It’s not as if I’ve been lumbered with something embarrassing anyway. Never have I been more grateful that my parents have only been celebrities to me, not in the wider world! Calling your son ‘Marion’ for example? What would he do with that?  The reverse seems to be true of modern-day celebrities, many of whom seem to be competing for a ‘most stupid child’s name’ prize.

It isn’t just a recent trend, either. Going back to the 60s there was Frank Zappa, whose four children delight in the names Moon, Dweezil, Ahmet and Diva. Er, right. It’s not as if dear old Frank was strange at all, is it? One sounds like an insect repellent, while another appears to have been some kind of advance personality diagnosis. Into the 70s and along came Zowie Bowie, who understandably prefers to use the ‘Duncan Jones’ part of his full name in his film industry career. Another product of the songwriter’s ability for rhyming is Rolan Bolan, whose real surname is actually ‘Feld.’ I guess Held Feld or Smeld Feld were just too silly.

Bob and Terry
Bob and Terry – a joke 20 years before ‘Brooklyn’
More recently we have many wonderful examples of celebrity parental idiocy. So many in fact that I could do a whole piece on them. But I’ll content myself by just making fun of a couple of the more obvious ones! The Beckhams’ reason for choosing Brooklyn as the name for their first born perhaps shows a love of the 60s TV series The Likely Lads and the 70s follow up (remember ‘Robert Scarborough Ferris’?). It’s probably as well that the act didn’t take place in Peckham. But Beckenham might have been nice.

My other obvious example is Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, who thought it a good idea to call their children ‘Apple’ and ‘Moses.’ It’s a real shame that they have consciously uncoupled, as now we’ll never get ‘Microsoft’, ‘Android’ or ‘God,’ will we?

And if you’ll indulge my diversion a little longer, I wonder where this could go next. Maybe we could get children’s names being sponsored by advertisers? ‘Churchill Biggins’ perhaps? Or ‘Direct Line Keitel?’ ‘Nespresso Clooney?’ ‘EE Bacon?’  And even without celebrity appearances and voiceovers, I’m looking forward to the first kid called ‘Moonpig’ or ‘MoneySupermarket.’ And we mustn’t forget the practice of choosing names based on favourite TV programmes and characters – anyone for Sherlock, Downton, Strictly or, simply, Who?

I’ve sidetracked myself some way from where I began. But apart from taking the chance to have a pop at idiots, there’s a serious point in here somewhere. I wouldn’t change my name – it’s part of me, my identity, who I am. Why should I or anyone want to change that? We all go through difficult times now and then, when we may well wish we were someone or somewhere else. But if we were able to conjure ourselves into another persona we’d be giving up our identities, wouldn’t we? Our names are part of us, part of our culture and heritage. And giving up on yourself is something no one should ever do.

Oh, I almost forgot! That boy named Marion. If you didn’t know, he was born Marion Morrison but became John Wayne. Hardly surprising, really, as “Kindly dismount and have a cup of camomile tea” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, does it?

Fill In The Blank

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Fill In the Blank.” Which reads “Three people walk into a bar…….”

They are all recovering in hospital: their most serious injuries were to their pride. They are calling in Messrs Sue, Grabbit and Runne, solicitors of dubious repute, to prepare their case for compensation from the construction site managers. Elf and Safety have been informed but, as it is a Bank Holiday, are unlikely to give a shit.

To Sleep, Perchance To Dream

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “To Sleep, Perchance to Dream.” This invites us to write about sleep, which in theory occupies around a third of our lives. I say “in theory” because that assumes a regular 8 hours per night of sleep, which is something I went for many years without. At its worst, three years ago, I was actually referred to a hospital specialist in sleep as I was having such a  problem with it and they feared I may have been suffering from sleep apnoea. Fortunately I wasn’t! I wrote about this in January 2013, describing how I was and some of the things I had tried, in ever-increasing desperation, to find a way to sleep:





Bad idea

When I started this blog it was to share with you my experience of depression, both going through it and getting over it. But as I’ve said before, there were parts of the experience which didn’t really fit into the main story but may be relevant to others. As well as the main illness I was also suffering from severely disrupted sleeping patterns, which I still have now. So I’m sharing them with you. Aren’t you lucky?

What was wrong?

For quite some time, many months at least and maybe years, I have got by with around five hours sleep each night, but in the lead up to my depression diagnosis this got progressively worse. I was managing three hours at best most nights, and not all in the one spell: I would wake up at least once or twice, and sometimes more, every night. Whilst this may not have been the ‘cause’ of depression, it sure as hell didn’t help prevent it! I was asked about this when I first saw my GP, who noticed that I had a slight irregularity in my heartbeat which she thought might be a contributory factor to my nocturnal arousals – the waking up and getting up, even if I didn’t need to pee! So, on top of all the other tests, I was sent for an ECG to see how serious this might be. Fortunately, this confirmed the irregular heartbeat but not to a severe level. So I still have that, untreated, and I know that I’m just going to have to live with it.

The next stage was to be referred to a specialist clinic. I didn’t have to stay in hospital but was invited to add to my apparel for one night – a mini computer, with all sorts of wires and tubes to be attached to my chest, stomach, arms and face (see below). The instructions were like IKEA for sleep disorders, but at least they were in something resembling English and all the parts were there! This test also confirmed the irregular breathing patterns, but nothing more severe. I had been told that I was being tested for sleep apnoea, which was just a name to me, and when the consultant told me the results I said I was almost disappointed – I’d been hoping they would find something wrong so that they could treat it. The look on his face was priceless, somewhere between ‘you have my sympathy’ and ‘you’re a complete imbecile’ and it was then he told me that sleep apnoea can be fatal, so it was just as well I didn’t have it! He also said there was no treatment that would help me, either. So that was it – keep your fingers crossed, lad, you may sleep properly one day!

What the well-dressed insomniac is wearing
What the well-dressed insomniac is wearing

What could I do about it?

I was advised to try sleeping in a chair, rather than my bed, as this might improve airflow though my passages. They thought my irregular heartbeat might be combining with breathing patterns to jolt me awake. As the advice came from a professional I thought it was worth a go, and nearly a year on I’m still doing it. I don’t know if it helps but I’m afraid to stop doing it! I’ve tried a few times to sleep in my bed again, but have still woken up several times in the night and in the mornings I’ve had terrible backache. I must be getting old! But at least chair-sleeping makes it easier to get up in the morning – I just stand up!

I was also advised that weight loss would help, which didn’t really come as a surprise! I’ve lost over three stone in the past seven months and feel much better for it. I’ve no idea if it helps with sleep though, and how could you test it anyway? I don’t think my scales measure sleep times as well as weight.

So I’ve tried a few other things as well, with mixed degrees of failure. To give you an idea:

Sleeping on the settee – mine’s a two-seater, I was constantly moving around trying to get comfortable and keep everything on the settee. I didn’t sleep and I felt like I’d gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson. Not recommended!

Sleeping on the floor – only for the hardy or the terminally stupid. Painful, didn’t work, and guys if you try it be careful to avoid squashing important bits. That doesn’t help you sleep – trust me, I know! Not recommended!

Infusions – I’ve never been much of a fan of the herbal/floral teas. As far as I’m concerned, to be called ‘tea’ it needs to contain ‘tea.’ Grass is for gardens, or for enlivening smoking. But someone recommended lemon and ginger and to my surprise I quite liked it. So I thought I’d try the special  infusions to aid sleep. Verdict? Well, I’ve never drunk liquid compost, but I think I now have an idea of what it would taste like. And it didn’t seem to help me sleep any better either – probably because of the retching. Not recommended!

Herbal sleep tablets – following the ‘it’s good for you’ logic I thought I’d try these. Well, if they’re good enough for Cadfael, why not? They were quite large, it was impossible to swallow them without tongue contact and they tasted like…you guessed it, liquid compost in tablet form. No noticeable difference in sleep either, probably because of the bad taste lingering above toothpaste. Not recommended!

Hot chocolate – tastes much nicer than the shit-in-a-bag stuff. But no noticeable improvement in sleep. Recommended for enjoyment, but not for sleeping.

Keep the TV on with low or no sound – what was I thinking! I just ended up watching movies! Not recommended, well, for sleep anyway. I saw some good films though.

Sleeping with the lights on – also in the ‘what was I thinking’ category. No. Utterly pointless. Not recommended.

Keep the TV and the lights on – see the previous two. Not recommended.

Listen to music – also falls into the ‘enjoyable but didn’t help’ class. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried it with AC/DC? Fun, but not recommended.

Reading to make my brain tired – see watching TV, only in Kindle form. Not recommended.

Going on the computer to make my brain tired – see watching TV, reading etc. Not recommended.

Making the flat very warm, to induce drowsiness – more likely to help with weight loss from the sauna effect. No use whatsoever. Also detrimental to the electricity bill. Not recommended.

Basically, after trying all of these and getting nowhere, I’ve come to the conclusion that my motto should be….

‘I want to go to sleep, but my brain keeps  talking to itself’

So, does anyone know of anything else I could try? I’d love to hear from you if there is, provided it isn’t illegal or immoral.  I think the only thing I haven’t tried is normal sleeping pills from my GP. We’ve discussed it several times but always agreed that they may not work either, they may react with my anti-depressants, and they can be addictive. But I’m going in the morning so I’ll ask again. If you don’t hear from me for a while it will mean I’ve got some and they worked! And if not, I may see you on Twitter at 3am one morning.

As they say..

’Dear 3am. We have to stop meeting like this. I’d much rather sleep with you.’


Much has changed in my life since I wrote that piece, and I’m happy to say that getting much more sleep on a regular basis is one of the improvements in my life. After all those things that I tried I finally came up with the solution: retire! It really has been that simple for me, and I wish I could have done it many years earlier. It may not be a solution currently available to you but I can thoroughly recommend it!