Now that I’ve probably put the Monty Python song into your head, I feel I must come clean and admit that this piece is highly unlikely to be remotely as funny as that, or anything else the Pythons did. But it’s a good title, so I’m sticking with it.
If you’ve never checked your spam folder, you really should: WordPress may have had one of its occasional hissy fits and deposited a genuine comment in there. It can also be a source of amusement, especially if you think these might be the product of a real human, as opposed to a bot – which is probably what they are, though. I take screenshots of the ones that amuse me the most: they can be good fodder for a post, as I’ve found before. Having amassed a bit of a collection over the past few months, I thought it about time that you saw some of these pearls too – although I’m guessing you may have received some of them as well.
The most common comment type to find its way into the spam folder is the one where an offer is being made which would probably involve spending some of your cash on the dubious services of a ‘lady’ whose name bears no relation to her email address. Sorry, but I’ve no wish to run the risk of bankruptcy or of catching something nasty – I’m just not that desperate. Yet.
There are also a great many in Cyrillic writing, but as I don’t speak Cyrillic they are rather wasted on me. For all I know, they could be offers of incredible wealth, and I’m missing out big time. Or lots more of those ‘ladies’ – does anyone know the Russian for ‘hooker?’ Then again, they could be abusive and my delicate nature is being spared by not translating them. On balance, I think I’d rather stay in blissful ignorance. Sorry, Cyril, but it’s a ‘no’ from me.
Quite a few of these comments are attached to my About Me page, and I’ve often wondered why. I don’t have that many cousins who are likely to be going round telling everyone about me, but it appears these guys know of one (click on the images to enlarge them, if necessary):
Both of the cousins mention that they are seeking help for a problem. They don’t specify what it is, but perhaps I should introduce them to one of those ‘ladies’ who are helpfully offering their services? I’m also wondering if I should ask ‘Hairstyles’ and Vance which of my cousins snitched on me? Nice nickname, by the way – it’s a good thing s/he isn’t a proctologist…
The most recent comment came yesterday morning:
Generally, if you’re offering professional skills it is a good idea to display them in your sales pitch. I think Magdalena – who appears to have gender issues – forgot this, so he or she may not be the person I’d turn to if I needed help with my writing or if my nerves were shredded. But the claim that ‘only I can solve all their problems’ rings a bell: perhaps he’s seeking alternative employment after he loses the election in November? And where is ‘Old England’ anyway? Advice from residents of New England welcome…
Sometimes spam people say nice things – ta, Sha:
And sometimes they don’t. The comment from ‘Free Stuff’ in the second set from the top (the Vance one) is one such, and this is another, I think:
Sorry, Aurea, I’ll try to do better in future but, as you can see, I struggle to link things together. You might like to try simplifying your comments, too: that one took some understanding, for a simpleton such as I.
Others have commented on my ‘excellence,’ which is always good to see, even from an automaton:
Looking at the second of those comments, I’m still at a loss to explain the reference to brussels. Do they mean the city, or sprouts? I’ve never been to Belgium, and apart from the occasional PSA reminder in October that it’s time to put the sprouts on for Christmas, I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned them, either. But it’s good to know that the Brown Duck will be watching my blog for more information on this – perhaps as an accompaniment when its time comes for roasting? Whichever way you take that comment, it’s weird. And I hope you read that as ‘duck’ in that last name: if you didn’t, it’s your mind, not mine!
The third comment in this one shows that even bots lack self-awareness, just like a lot of real people:
As if Lorinda needed to ask! I do hope she sees this piece, though, as it might answer her question, albeit not in the way she was expecting. I hadn’t noticed the comment above hers until now: does anyone know if we’re allowed to travel to Spain yet?
With that, I think I’ve had enough vicarious excitement for one day. I’ll keep the collection going and if enough weirdos provide further contributions I may do this again sometime. Keep looking at your spam folder too: I’d be interested to compare notes.
As a reward for getting this far I thought I’d end with a song. From where I began this piece there could only be one song, couldn’t there?
Wrong! Gotcha 😉
If you’re now trying to work out where you’ve heard that before, Weird Al ‘borrowed’ his parody from R.E.M.’s song Stand. It turned out well, I think 😉
I leave the last word to the mysteriously named XRumerTest: